FLASH FICTION: VOLUME THREE

Jul 21, 2024

“I’ve always been mad about cats…” – Vivien Leigh

THE VASES

It probably wasn’t a good idea to play soccer indoors just because it was wet outside.

And we definitely shouldn’t have used our Aunt’s antique vases as the goalposts.

Now, her precious peonies were lying limply on the carpet and the fine porcelain was smashed into dozens of pieces that no amount of glue was going to rectify.

When she came home, we told her the cat did it.

But she didn’t believe us.

Mainly because it turned out the only reason she’d left us alone in the first place was that the cat had an appointment at the Vet…

THE CAT

The little cat was calling for help, stuck on a branch about halfway up the tree.

We had to do something. So we started climbing.

Until we were just inches away.

At which point, it purred at us and gracefully leapt from its perch, heading for the ground, breaking two of the footholds we needed to get back down as it went.

And now we were stuck in the tree…

THE SHEETS

Pretty much nothing feels better than fresh sheets.

I admired them for a moment, then climbed into bed with my hot chocolate, ready to watch some TV.

Just seconds later, I got startled by my cat leaping off the wardrobe.

I dropped my mug.

And my new sheets were ruined…

THE DISPLAY CABINET

She’d been collecting ceramic cats for years.

And she’d always said she wanted a display cabinet to put them in.

So one afternoon, while she was out having coffee with friends, I decided to build her one.

But unfortunately, I completely misjudged the weight the shelves could support, and the whole thing collapsed.

Only one ornament survived.

Which got smashed shortly afterwards, when it was launched straight at my head…

THE COUNTRY MUSIC FESTIVAL

Backstage at the Country Music Festival, we were busy stuffing the dressing rooms with all the bizarre items the various bands and solo artists who were performing had asked for as part of their conditions for playing.

We’d left the headline act until last, because what ‘The Peonies’ had said they absolutely had to have to help them relax during their preshow routine was by far the most outrageous.

It took us several days to successfully acquire what they’d requested, and we had to arrange special transportation to ensure everything was delivered safely, but eventually, we managed to deposit exactly what they wanted in their room, ready for their arrival.

They headed straight there, without saying a word, as soon as they got off their tour bus, while we waited outside the door for some sign of approval.

But it never came.

What we heard instead were screams, lots and lots of screams, before all five women who were in the band burst back out into the corridor and ran off towards the nearest exit.

Apparently, there had been a typo.

They hadn’t asked for dozens of rats to be waiting to greet them.

They’d asked for dozens of cats…